He doesn't love me anymore.

I'll never forget being stopped at that intersection going to taco bell. The hole in my chest forming as his words ripped through me. 'I love you, I just don't like you anymore.' And having to sit with him pretending to be happy and hold myself together for the next 12 hours. I hate him so much I can't even put it to words. It's like every promise and every I love you for the last year and a half has been a complete lie and I was the stupidass gullible 17 yearold girl who fell for the one boy she didnt even worry about breaking her heart. I never even thought of it in the beginning because he was like the kid whos dreams of dating 'the hottest girl in school' had come true. It was nothing more than lust and I knew in my mind that he wouldn't give that up. The feeling of being in control for once. And here I am almost 2 years later, 2 months after we broke up, fighting tears every single day. Telling him I hate him because I can't stand the idea of his ego knowing how much damage he really did. Weighing 15 pounds under my normal, but still underweight body. Trying to eat more because I hate looking like this, but not having the drive to eat or do anything at all because every single thing reminds me of him. It's like he contaminated every single part of my life. Sleeping was my escape, I'd sleep for 14 hours straight but I can't even do that anymore because he's in my fucking dreams. In my dreams fucking other girls, while I sit around trying to be his friend finding the skanky underwear she left behind. It's like gods never gunna let me live this one down and he gets off soo easy. so, so easy. He doesn't hurt at all, out fucking other girls and daddy buying him a new sweetass truck of his dreams. A truck III found and picked out. His dad's price limit was $4000, this truck was $13000 and 2 whole states away and he got it anyways. Was I really that horrible of a girlfriend that he doesn't suffer at all. We fought forever on whether or not to be friends. And as soon as I gave in and started to believe it could work, he tells me he's had tons of hot girls trying to fuck him and he hasn't yet, and that he bets I can't say the same.... and that he doesn't like me 'like boyfriend girlfriend' anymore, but still expects me to fuck him after that. Who does that. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and he writes me on facebook the other day saying hey whats up, I'm getting that truck next week. and some other stupid shit. I just said cool, and he writes back saying wow you must fucking hate me or something. I was like I didn't delete you for no reason, you need to come get your shit and I want mine. Then he says 'Can I atleast ask what the fuck I did to make you hate me'.
I deleted him awhile back because it's too hard seeing all the notifications of him friending all these randomass girls. Let alone the fact that I would check his friends list religously. And the fact that hes online all the time now. without even saying a word to me ..he used to go months without even checking it and now its every single night. I guess its obvious to me because myspace was how we ever started talking. That was his thing back then.
Someone asked me if I just hated him because he fucked me when we werent dating. And that's not it at all. I could care less. But if we're not dating I still need to be the only girl, not one of, but the only. But the thought of him like that with another girl makes me feel like I'm gunna puke. Literally. Since we broke up, he does things he knows I love that he never used to do when we were together. He'll have me come over and then tell me he's not taking me home because his beds lonely without me. Like, he'll try to cuddle with me all night, (He hates cuddling cuz he gets too hot), He kisses on me, gives great sex and treats me like we're dating knowing the second that car door closees its over and he's free to go do it all again with anybody else. It's the perfect realtionship for him. And I went with it because he's like my drug. I keep using for the happiness it gives me in the moment, all the while knowing that everytime I do, it just makes it harder to quit in the end. A drug with a very limited supply.

I Wish

That we could be together. I really regretting ever starting that fight because now all I do is wish we were together, and he doesnt want that because he likes hanging out with his bestfriend more than dating me is what I think. You know whats strange though?=) The sex is better. Like ALOT better. Yesterday we went to the basketball court/baseball field by his house shot hoops for awhile and then went for a walk and we ended up in this old abandoned building up against the wall hardcore making out.haha I feel like I did when we first started dating and I was so excited the whole time I was getting ready just to hangout with him. But its different in a way too though..back then he brought me everywhere with him, even to hangout with his friends and do guy stuff and if they didnt want me to hangout he wouldnt hangout with them at all. Now he'll drive 20 minutes to the store to buy me cheetos, bring me home, and drive all the way back to pick up his friend from football practice instead of just swinging by there with me and going home. And everywhere we go he always says, 'so and sos gunna see us together and be like wtf'. I just wanna scream why do you care! It's sooo awkward being around his mom now! We were really good friends before we broke up and now I'm embarrased to even walk in their house when shes there.
When we first started dating, all we did was sit in the basement and watch movies. ...Well, its not an average basement...they have like movie theatre seating except there super comfy with a big screen. and the kitchen is the mainfloor above it so his mom would constantly come check on us to make sure we werent banging it out haha. Then slowly we made our way to his room at night and shed come down twice a night to tell us to get out. Then the door started gettin locked and eventually she didn't care anymore thinking we weren't doing anything. His dad knew everything though=) He was proud, he even watched us sneak back through his bedroom window from up on the deck one night after his mom made us leave and we could hear him laughing. Then his mom stopped caring and I stayed till 3 or 4 in the morning and then woke up and went home. Then after like a year of dating I just stayed the night there. ......So you tell me,
She knows we've hookedup probably way over 200 times, has even bought him condoms, talked about eachothers sex life together, well just the emabarassing stories and now she tells him we aren't aloud to fuck in her house now that were not dating.? Whattttt. Thee. Eff. She was pissed about it and he was like 'I'm 18 years old, I can do whatever the fuck I want and it's none of your business. You should be trying to get me to only have sex with her, because if I'm not fuckin her, I'm gunna just be fucking a bunch of other girls that you don't like and you actually like her so why do you care?' I don't get it either. So if we walked around telling people we were dating she would be ok with it?
His dads funny though. Yesterday David told him he was going to hangout with me and his dad was like 'Why just to fuck her?' and David was like 'No I actually wanna hangout with her.' hahah I can't immagine my dad ever saying that.=)

A Real Reason.

The last few nights I've gone out with my friend Cord to get my mind off things. We've been friends for a long time and used to hangout all the time before I dated david. So of course, everybody is asking me what happened with the breakup. All of his friends, some that knew us, some that didn't. And honestly, if there was reason, a real reason, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. If he had cheated, or was an asshole or just something to give me hope that this is right. I feel like us still being in love but not being together is waisting time. He's called a couple times. I was in the shower once, the other I wasn't home. He wrote me on facebook, 

'hey you little shit
will you at least talk to me a little bit kinda miss ya bro'

I didn't reply. .....I know. I don't understand it either. I'm in love with him and want him back, but I guess I feel like its all or nothing and if I don't talk or see him, he'll want me back.

Effin PB&J's

Who the f breaks up, cries..ALOT, packs their shit, cries, falls asleep, wakes up to make a pb&J/Ramen noodles, goes back to bed.......WITH the person they JUST BROKE UP WITH, bangs them the next morning, stays the entire next day..even when the other leaves and you're alone at their house? Chaa, I know.

So I guess were just bad 'breaker-uppers.' He acts like were still dating. He kisses me all day. Still calls me babe and expects me to sleep over all the time.

Fact 1: I haven't cried this much in a long, longggg time.

Fact 2: I kinda regret ever saying anything.

Fact 3: I lied to a waitress today about being with him.

Fact 4: Ok, On the last comment, I was holding a picture of him and his bull elk he just killed with a bow, she saw and exclaimed "OHH MYY! WHO IS THAT?" ......in front of my entire family. What else to say?

Fact 5: He made me a pb&j when I woke up this morning. He had it waiting for me and as I peaked the top of the stairs he's holding that stupid little pb&j on plate with both hands, 'I made this for you.' I got a 'thanks' out before I effin lost it and busted up crying...in the middle of the kitchen.

WE BROKE UP.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. But knowing what the right thing is and believing in it is is the hard part. 

Yesterday was like any ordinary day. He picked me up, went back to his house. His dad needed him to come down to his rock query to get his uncle sam to bring a jack up to his core drilling site to change the water truck tire. David made a mini pizza in the microwave, I cut up an apple. He drove the whole way in that old truck with his knees, eating pizza, as I sat beside him in his eating my apple. 

It seems like every time I have ever felt the need to breakup in my mind, he always goes and does something so sweet and I can't do it. In my last post,  I make him sound like a total jackass, but he really is one of the sweetest guys in the entire world with a huge heart and believe me, I know I don't deserve him. So ...through my tears, here it goes.

 I was sitting in a recliner chair, him squatting down in front of me. I'm in one of my so frequent bitch moods. He begs me, 'please don't be cranky babe.' Then asks whats wrong. I said I was tired of being us, being the way we are. Always fighting, always mad, always being bored. He told me it would get better and I said, 'But it doesn't. It never does.' and eventually he dropped the bomb. 'Do you wanna just break up?' I, being the dumbass that I am, said, 'I don't know.' He says, 'Well I think maybe we should. Maybe it'll be better. Just so you know, I really did try to make you happy and treat you good, I really did.' Thats when I lost it and started crying. He gave me the biggest hug begging me not to cry. Then he started crying and said it was harder to actually do than to talk to about. I got up and went downstairs to his room to pack all my things. He sat on his bed, just watched me. I stood there at his closet, crying, asking him to grab something off the top shelf and as he handed it to me, he lost it too.

That night I crawled into bed with him, memorizing the feel of that big bed, those soft sheets against my skin, the sound of his family, my family, upstairs. The sounds of the life I've known for the last year, 7 months and 11 days, moving forward without me.. Thats how long it took for me to fuck up what was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

A clean break is the only way I think I'll ever beable to get over him. And he wants to continue being close, to hangout all the time, to be friends with benefits. He told me the only way he could ever hate me is if I ditch him and quit being friends...so what do you ya know? I still haven't left his house yet so its sad but doesn't feel real yet cuz he still loves n kisses on me all day. He tells me it'll all be okay, that I'll fall in love with somebody else and be just fine. But I don't want to. He was always the one I wanted to come home from work, walk through that front door all dirty, kiss me hello and pick up our baby girl n spin her around. And now it feels like that dream was just ripped away from me.

This morning I woke up crying, cried through the whole 'love makin session', took showers, ate, went downstairs back to bed and laid there talking about all the fun times we shared. Truly heartbreaking.

Anyways, I spent most of the day crying. He went hunting for awhile with one of his friends. His dad went up to feed the animals, his mom, brother, sisters and bajillion other kids went to the movies. And I'm sitting alone in his house ...listening to sad songs, writing a blog about the end of our year n a half relationship.  A little dramatic right?

Baby Blues.

Have you ever noticed that there are always clusters of pregnancies all at once? That when one girl you know gets pregnant, a bunch more do too? Its so frustrating to me and I don't really know why.

Ok, scratch that thought, its because I want one too.

I heard something at one point in my life that I never believed until recently. ..I think it was in China or Japan, newlyweds during their first year of being married put a bean a in a jar for everytime they had sex and after the first year they would take a bean out everytime, but the jar would never get empty. This is so true! Our first year you couldn't pull us away from that stupid bed, and now it takes everything to get both of us to actually want it. Girls always seem to get jealous of long lasting relationships, but after the first year it just goes downhill in my opinion. EVERYTHING starts sucking. The sex sucks, you fight more, well not more but I think you let go of the being nice stage and aren't afraid to voice how you really feel.

The other night I told David he cares more about hunting then his own girlfriend. and its true. He just won't admit it. He never used to care how late we stayed up when we had to get up early and he NEVER ever turned down sex.

He used to get mad when I didn't want it. ...which was never a big deal because he wanted it all the time. So now that I do, hes 'too tired' or 'I have to get up early babe', or 'I have school, I have to sleep or Im gunna feel like shit tomorrow babe' or yeterday. He brought me some food before he went out all night to pack out an elk he shot. I made some remark about wishing I had a different kind of one of those in a plastic bag, (he brought me chili and a sausage in  bag.) He said I'd get one when he got home. So he gets home at like midnight and while I'm sitting on the toilet seat waiting for him to get out of the shower he says, 'you better not expect me to put out tonight cuz I'm not.' So I just walked out and he called me a big baby which made me wantto kick in the nuts. He gets in bed and says 'are you seriously mad at me' I told him most guys would be happy to come home to their girlfriends, you know what he said? 'I am happy to come home to you, but I work hard all day and I'm tired and have to get up early. You sit on your ass all day, you don't understand.' Well fuck you too then because being with you isnt exactly a fucking walk in the park either. What about the last like 20 times you turned me down.

It seriously sucks laying in bed everyday wondering why we're still together.

(I came back and edited part of this out. so in explanation, I had a small crush on someone from the past the whole time we were dating. But I never talked to him while me and david were together, so I wasn't cheating or anything. I just missed him because he didn't feel the same about me back when we had a 'thing.' He consumed alot of my thoughts on those sad nights I'd lay there wondering why and pray to god to let me figure out who was right. But after we broke up, I hungout with him for like an hour and honest to god, I realized I didn't like him AT ALL. I liked who he was back then and it wasn't the same and the sparks weren't there. )

I feel like such a horrible person, but you can't help who you like, right? I love david with all my heart. But alot of times, I don't feel 'in love' with him. He's my bestfriend. And even during the first few months we were dating, he asked me if I was with him because I wanted to be, or because I was scared of losing my bestfriend. What do you say to that even it's true? I can't even remember. But it's not like I don't want to be with him. Because I know that if I didn't like anyone else, I could marry him and have babies in a heartbeat. And believe me I've tried to let it go but can't. My friend Chris once told me 'If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future then you're pissing on today.' And I guess I've pissed away the last 2 years. But what can you do?

about me

We grew up in the same small town, been to Europe together, have completely different interests & glued our lives together on February 19, 2♥1♥. We're bestfriends and stubborn lovers. Actually, he always apologizes first, so I'm the stubborn one. He loves hunting and the outdoors, I love photography, girly things and the city. I have to confess, he is the reason we work together. David tries to give me everything I want...which happens to be why he calls me 'Princess.' We disagree on so many things, its unbelievable. ...I cant wait to have kids...already have names picked out haha. Aubriella Sasha and Blake Dorito Overman. But he doesn't until he's 25...or to be married before 23. Which is BIG FAT effin problem in my head. I'm determined to be married by 22 and he's 8 months younger than me! The thought of being an 'old parent' terrifies me. That brings me to my next subject. ...Fake boobs. =) haha...I'm a B cup. I wish I was a BIG C. He says he won't pay for them 'till after I have kids so they don't get 'saggy and gross' in his words haha, but I want to be young and look hot! 

Our world consists of jetskiing, 4 wheeling, dirtbiking, eating yummy food, and sleeping.

We literally spent everyday together for over a year until this summer. He went to work. Then back to shool for his last year. And I sit at home all day waiting for him.

I have a 10 yearold schnauzer, Tex, who is also my bestfriend.He looks soo ugly in this picture without a haircut but I love him!

I also have a cat named Maci.