When you don't know what to trust.

It's hard when you don't know what to trust. I want so much to believe him and just let go and trust that what he says is the truth. But I don't really have any reasons to. When we were together I had all the trust in the world in him because we were together, and that was our tie to eachother. A reason for trust.
So you're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about cuz last you checked I hated him.=)
Our fight kinda gradually turned into the reasons I hated him, his apologies and our reasonings. He told me the only reason he asked if we wanted to break up, was because he thought I was unhappy. And I was the last couple weeks. I said the only reason I agreed to it was because who wants to fight for someone who doesnt even want to be with you. So obviously we had ALOT of communication issues. He said he didnt mean what he said about not liking me and he thought that that was I wanted to hear. ???WTF. What girl wants to hear that?? He told me how he wanted to be my friend because he thought that if we could be happy again hanging out then hed try to date me again and that it might sound stupid but alot of people who've been together a long time have taken a break and got back together and got married and he kinda thought that would happen.
I told him you don't say that to somebody you want to be with and that I wasn't gunna wait around to find out if it didn't work. It's easier to hate someone than to be sad over them. Anger is controllable, sadness isn't.  But being the idiot that I am, I bought him this stupid pink card that said I love spooning with you, and, well, I guess the forking too. Then I wrote I'm sorry for all the mean things I say, and probably will continue to say. I miss my bestfriend and all the fun times we had. And I'm sorry everything got so fucked up.
Then I wrote him on facebook saying I had something for him...And no it's not a condom haha (Another story all together) He wrote back saying Damn, thats what I wanted haha. I said I bet, its been awhile. So eventually he was begging me to fuck him and I told him I wasn't a fan of being used and eventhough he hasn't been with anybody else yet when he does and then comes back to me and mixes it all up, thats just gross. He's like well how bout I tell you when I'm gunna fuck someone else, and if we both enjoy it then its not using. I was like being temporary is the same as being used. So I asked him if he wanted to make a 'fuck truce'. He was like If it means we have alot of sex haha I was like yah with ONLY eachother. So we did, and I gave him the card right before he took me home. He just stood there with his back to me and finally turned around with his eyes all watery and a shocked expression on his face...gave me like a 5 minute hug and said he wasn't expecting that at all and that it meant alot cuz he only remembers one time I ever apologized, not in a jackass way. Then teasing I was like well, I'm taking it back haha and hes like fuck you I should frame that shit..why would you take it..cuz you don't want anyone to know you really cared. I was like everyone knew I cared ..just not you. He's like I do now. And I said that it was too late now cuz we were over. and he just looked at me for like a minute like he was confirming that it really was too late. And then finally he was like, you can't think like that, things work out for people.  ...........But I don't know whether he meant for us, or like life would move on and get better. I dont fucking know. It drives me nuts overthinking everything he says.
And I thought that like ..being 'fuck buddies' or w/e would help us cuz wed spend time together and I'd have a chance at showing him 'being happy' and then his original plan would work. But of course, hes unlike any other guy on this fucking planet who has a girl he can have sex with who lives 3 minutes away. ......Its been almost a week and he hasn't tried one time. He said he would yesterday but he was never like..hey..wanna come over. he just left it at 'later.'  Its just frustrating.

Ok so then, that night I gave him a hickey on his neck and the second he saw it in the mirror he was like 'fuckkkk, I was gunna take Alice* (name change haha) to the basketball game tomorrow.....youre not gunna mad at me forthat right.' (She goes to school with him.) I was like Alice*?eww. Hes like were just friends. Shes actually really cool. I know shes ugly and fuckin towers over me but were good friends now. And it turns out he took her and his bestfriend hutning on MY DADS property. WHAT. THE FUCK. you dont take another girl hunting behind your ex girlfriend's, who happens to still be in love with you, house. Thats fucked up. But what I'm getting at in this whole post about not knowing what to believe, is that he says theyre just friends......but if that was true, why would that have come out when it did and why would he care if she saw a hickey on his neck?....He has one actual friend thats a girl and he wouldn't give a fuck if she saw a hickey on his neck because shes like one of the guys to him. So yahh. Idk.