Baby Blues.

Have you ever noticed that there are always clusters of pregnancies all at once? That when one girl you know gets pregnant, a bunch more do too? Its so frustrating to me and I don't really know why.

Ok, scratch that thought, its because I want one too.

I heard something at one point in my life that I never believed until recently. ..I think it was in China or Japan, newlyweds during their first year of being married put a bean a in a jar for everytime they had sex and after the first year they would take a bean out everytime, but the jar would never get empty. This is so true! Our first year you couldn't pull us away from that stupid bed, and now it takes everything to get both of us to actually want it. Girls always seem to get jealous of long lasting relationships, but after the first year it just goes downhill in my opinion. EVERYTHING starts sucking. The sex sucks, you fight more, well not more but I think you let go of the being nice stage and aren't afraid to voice how you really feel.

The other night I told David he cares more about hunting then his own girlfriend. and its true. He just won't admit it. He never used to care how late we stayed up when we had to get up early and he NEVER ever turned down sex.

He used to get mad when I didn't want it. ...which was never a big deal because he wanted it all the time. So now that I do, hes 'too tired' or 'I have to get up early babe', or 'I have school, I have to sleep or Im gunna feel like shit tomorrow babe' or yeterday. He brought me some food before he went out all night to pack out an elk he shot. I made some remark about wishing I had a different kind of one of those in a plastic bag, (he brought me chili and a sausage in  bag.) He said I'd get one when he got home. So he gets home at like midnight and while I'm sitting on the toilet seat waiting for him to get out of the shower he says, 'you better not expect me to put out tonight cuz I'm not.' So I just walked out and he called me a big baby which made me wantto kick in the nuts. He gets in bed and says 'are you seriously mad at me' I told him most guys would be happy to come home to their girlfriends, you know what he said? 'I am happy to come home to you, but I work hard all day and I'm tired and have to get up early. You sit on your ass all day, you don't understand.' Well fuck you too then because being with you isnt exactly a fucking walk in the park either. What about the last like 20 times you turned me down.

It seriously sucks laying in bed everyday wondering why we're still together.

(I came back and edited part of this out. so in explanation, I had a small crush on someone from the past the whole time we were dating. But I never talked to him while me and david were together, so I wasn't cheating or anything. I just missed him because he didn't feel the same about me back when we had a 'thing.' He consumed alot of my thoughts on those sad nights I'd lay there wondering why and pray to god to let me figure out who was right. But after we broke up, I hungout with him for like an hour and honest to god, I realized I didn't like him AT ALL. I liked who he was back then and it wasn't the same and the sparks weren't there. )

I feel like such a horrible person, but you can't help who you like, right? I love david with all my heart. But alot of times, I don't feel 'in love' with him. He's my bestfriend. And even during the first few months we were dating, he asked me if I was with him because I wanted to be, or because I was scared of losing my bestfriend. What do you say to that even it's true? I can't even remember. But it's not like I don't want to be with him. Because I know that if I didn't like anyone else, I could marry him and have babies in a heartbeat. And believe me I've tried to let it go but can't. My friend Chris once told me 'If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future then you're pissing on today.' And I guess I've pissed away the last 2 years. But what can you do?