WE BROKE UP.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. But knowing what the right thing is and believing in it is is the hard part. 

Yesterday was like any ordinary day. He picked me up, went back to his house. His dad needed him to come down to his rock query to get his uncle sam to bring a jack up to his core drilling site to change the water truck tire. David made a mini pizza in the microwave, I cut up an apple. He drove the whole way in that old truck with his knees, eating pizza, as I sat beside him in his eating my apple. 

It seems like every time I have ever felt the need to breakup in my mind, he always goes and does something so sweet and I can't do it. In my last post,  I make him sound like a total jackass, but he really is one of the sweetest guys in the entire world with a huge heart and believe me, I know I don't deserve him. So ...through my tears, here it goes.

 I was sitting in a recliner chair, him squatting down in front of me. I'm in one of my so frequent bitch moods. He begs me, 'please don't be cranky babe.' Then asks whats wrong. I said I was tired of being us, being the way we are. Always fighting, always mad, always being bored. He told me it would get better and I said, 'But it doesn't. It never does.' and eventually he dropped the bomb. 'Do you wanna just break up?' I, being the dumbass that I am, said, 'I don't know.' He says, 'Well I think maybe we should. Maybe it'll be better. Just so you know, I really did try to make you happy and treat you good, I really did.' Thats when I lost it and started crying. He gave me the biggest hug begging me not to cry. Then he started crying and said it was harder to actually do than to talk to about. I got up and went downstairs to his room to pack all my things. He sat on his bed, just watched me. I stood there at his closet, crying, asking him to grab something off the top shelf and as he handed it to me, he lost it too.

That night I crawled into bed with him, memorizing the feel of that big bed, those soft sheets against my skin, the sound of his family, my family, upstairs. The sounds of the life I've known for the last year, 7 months and 11 days, moving forward without me.. Thats how long it took for me to fuck up what was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

A clean break is the only way I think I'll ever beable to get over him. And he wants to continue being close, to hangout all the time, to be friends with benefits. He told me the only way he could ever hate me is if I ditch him and quit being friends...so what do you ya know? I still haven't left his house yet so its sad but doesn't feel real yet cuz he still loves n kisses on me all day. He tells me it'll all be okay, that I'll fall in love with somebody else and be just fine. But I don't want to. He was always the one I wanted to come home from work, walk through that front door all dirty, kiss me hello and pick up our baby girl n spin her around. And now it feels like that dream was just ripped away from me.

This morning I woke up crying, cried through the whole 'love makin session', took showers, ate, went downstairs back to bed and laid there talking about all the fun times we shared. Truly heartbreaking.

Anyways, I spent most of the day crying. He went hunting for awhile with one of his friends. His dad went up to feed the animals, his mom, brother, sisters and bajillion other kids went to the movies. And I'm sitting alone in his house ...listening to sad songs, writing a blog about the end of our year n a half relationship.  A little dramatic right?