Sorry.

This was supposed to be about our 'good' relationship and funny stories and photography but it completely turned into My Breakup blog. haha soo sorry =) I swear someday it will make it to what it was originally intended for!

truce over.

I don't really know why I ended it. It's been crossing my mind for days but I just couldn't bring myself to it. I don't want to lose him, but we aren't going anywhere, hes decided hes going to college like an hour n half away. So what am I supposed to do? Let him string me along till the day he moves away for 'a year'. Then he goes off and fucks everyone anyways so why try n stop it He never wanted to go to college till after we broke up and his friends got to him. He's becoming more and more like them and it disgusts me. When we first started hanging out I loved him because he was different from them. He wasn't full of himself and trying to be funny and act like a douchebag. Now thats all he does. He says rude, mean ass things and thinks hes just the shit. He said his friend was buying him a hounddog so they could go bobcat hunting. I told him he was an idiot because hes leaving in 6 months anyways and his mom and sister would end up taking care of it just like everyone else's animals in the family. You know what he said? Fuck it right. They don't do shit anyways, they need something to do. It's not gunna kill them to take of a dog for a year and I took care of their animals for like 10 years when I was a kid and I know it prolly won't workout but I'll just give to someone else who cat hunts.'  I was like if you know its not going to work out then why let a dog get attached to you just to ditch it? He's like Carolynn I will love and take perfect care of my dog. I'll find a way to make it work. Trust me. Funny how you can be jealous of a dog haha and how he can have so much dedication to a dog he has never even laid eyes on, and yet not an ounce for the girl he was 'in love with' for over a year n a half. Not shit for me but sweet kisses, empty promises, I love you's & I'm sorrys that mean nothing.
I saw this on facebook this morning...
 
If A Man Wants You
'If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
 Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can’t "be friends."
A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
 void men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.
Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.'

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.  hah. ironic.

Bipolar Decisions.

I can't make up my mind and I feel like a total nut. One minute I'm excited to hangout with him even if its only for sex and the next minute I'm like You cant keep doing this to yourself. If he doesn't care enough to want or even try to hangout and spend time with you, then theres no point in trying and giving him the one thing he wants. Today he said something about my birthday being soon on facebook. I was like Yahh, 20 days. Crazy. and made a remark about the last few minutes before the midnight of my bithday last year how we were taking pictures and how I have these funny one of me trying to lick him. He was like Yahh I think I remember that sicko. Well I can think of a couple things I like you licking haha I was like wtf. You're such a douche. Well, I thought that anyways. I said, cuz thats the only thing you think about period. He was like, Carolynn we have a sex truce I thought I was aloud to think about it.
Oh yeah, and then the last time we hooked up...we were in the car cuz his mom is on her no sex bitchfit and thinks we both should move on.........Were sitting there after and he goes to get in the front seat again and I was just kidding but I was like Ohh I see how it is..fuck me n take me home. He was like We have a fuck truce, not a hangout truce. And he laughed like he was kidding, but seriously only a piece of shit says that.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to be with other girls so I'm being the piece of ass, but at the same time if we're not gunna get back together then whats the point.. It's gunna happen eventually if thats the case. But I don't want to bring it up either because I don't want him to be with me only because he feels bad or  to feel smothered and make it even further out of the question. I feel like if he doesn't even want to hangout with me, then why would he want to date me. I don't get why the fuck he says the shit he does yet makes no effort. If you don't feel that way then dont say you do.

When you don't know what to trust.

It's hard when you don't know what to trust. I want so much to believe him and just let go and trust that what he says is the truth. But I don't really have any reasons to. When we were together I had all the trust in the world in him because we were together, and that was our tie to eachother. A reason for trust.
So you're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about cuz last you checked I hated him.=)
Our fight kinda gradually turned into the reasons I hated him, his apologies and our reasonings. He told me the only reason he asked if we wanted to break up, was because he thought I was unhappy. And I was the last couple weeks. I said the only reason I agreed to it was because who wants to fight for someone who doesnt even want to be with you. So obviously we had ALOT of communication issues. He said he didnt mean what he said about not liking me and he thought that that was I wanted to hear. ???WTF. What girl wants to hear that?? He told me how he wanted to be my friend because he thought that if we could be happy again hanging out then hed try to date me again and that it might sound stupid but alot of people who've been together a long time have taken a break and got back together and got married and he kinda thought that would happen.
I told him you don't say that to somebody you want to be with and that I wasn't gunna wait around to find out if it didn't work. It's easier to hate someone than to be sad over them. Anger is controllable, sadness isn't.  But being the idiot that I am, I bought him this stupid pink card that said I love spooning with you, and, well, I guess the forking too. Then I wrote I'm sorry for all the mean things I say, and probably will continue to say. I miss my bestfriend and all the fun times we had. And I'm sorry everything got so fucked up.
Then I wrote him on facebook saying I had something for him...And no it's not a condom haha (Another story all together) He wrote back saying Damn, thats what I wanted haha. I said I bet, its been awhile. So eventually he was begging me to fuck him and I told him I wasn't a fan of being used and eventhough he hasn't been with anybody else yet when he does and then comes back to me and mixes it all up, thats just gross. He's like well how bout I tell you when I'm gunna fuck someone else, and if we both enjoy it then its not using. I was like being temporary is the same as being used. So I asked him if he wanted to make a 'fuck truce'. He was like If it means we have alot of sex haha I was like yah with ONLY eachother. So we did, and I gave him the card right before he took me home. He just stood there with his back to me and finally turned around with his eyes all watery and a shocked expression on his face...gave me like a 5 minute hug and said he wasn't expecting that at all and that it meant alot cuz he only remembers one time I ever apologized, not in a jackass way. Then teasing I was like well, I'm taking it back haha and hes like fuck you I should frame that shit..why would you take it..cuz you don't want anyone to know you really cared. I was like everyone knew I cared ..just not you. He's like I do now. And I said that it was too late now cuz we were over. and he just looked at me for like a minute like he was confirming that it really was too late. And then finally he was like, you can't think like that, things work out for people.  ...........But I don't know whether he meant for us, or like life would move on and get better. I dont fucking know. It drives me nuts overthinking everything he says.
And I thought that like ..being 'fuck buddies' or w/e would help us cuz wed spend time together and I'd have a chance at showing him 'being happy' and then his original plan would work. But of course, hes unlike any other guy on this fucking planet who has a girl he can have sex with who lives 3 minutes away. ......Its been almost a week and he hasn't tried one time. He said he would yesterday but he was never like..hey..wanna come over. he just left it at 'later.'  Its just frustrating.

Ok so then, that night I gave him a hickey on his neck and the second he saw it in the mirror he was like 'fuckkkk, I was gunna take Alice* (name change haha) to the basketball game tomorrow.....youre not gunna mad at me forthat right.' (She goes to school with him.) I was like Alice*?eww. Hes like were just friends. Shes actually really cool. I know shes ugly and fuckin towers over me but were good friends now. And it turns out he took her and his bestfriend hutning on MY DADS property. WHAT. THE FUCK. you dont take another girl hunting behind your ex girlfriend's, who happens to still be in love with you, house. Thats fucked up. But what I'm getting at in this whole post about not knowing what to believe, is that he says theyre just friends......but if that was true, why would that have come out when it did and why would he care if she saw a hickey on his neck?....He has one actual friend thats a girl and he wouldn't give a fuck if she saw a hickey on his neck because shes like one of the guys to him. So yahh. Idk.

He doesn't love me anymore.

I'll never forget being stopped at that intersection going to taco bell. The hole in my chest forming as his words ripped through me. 'I love you, I just don't like you anymore.' And having to sit with him pretending to be happy and hold myself together for the next 12 hours. I hate him so much I can't even put it to words. It's like every promise and every I love you for the last year and a half has been a complete lie and I was the stupidass gullible 17 yearold girl who fell for the one boy she didnt even worry about breaking her heart. I never even thought of it in the beginning because he was like the kid whos dreams of dating 'the hottest girl in school' had come true. It was nothing more than lust and I knew in my mind that he wouldn't give that up. The feeling of being in control for once. And here I am almost 2 years later, 2 months after we broke up, fighting tears every single day. Telling him I hate him because I can't stand the idea of his ego knowing how much damage he really did. Weighing 15 pounds under my normal, but still underweight body. Trying to eat more because I hate looking like this, but not having the drive to eat or do anything at all because every single thing reminds me of him. It's like he contaminated every single part of my life. Sleeping was my escape, I'd sleep for 14 hours straight but I can't even do that anymore because he's in my fucking dreams. In my dreams fucking other girls, while I sit around trying to be his friend finding the skanky underwear she left behind. It's like gods never gunna let me live this one down and he gets off soo easy. so, so easy. He doesn't hurt at all, out fucking other girls and daddy buying him a new sweetass truck of his dreams. A truck III found and picked out. His dad's price limit was $4000, this truck was $13000 and 2 whole states away and he got it anyways. Was I really that horrible of a girlfriend that he doesn't suffer at all. We fought forever on whether or not to be friends. And as soon as I gave in and started to believe it could work, he tells me he's had tons of hot girls trying to fuck him and he hasn't yet, and that he bets I can't say the same.... and that he doesn't like me 'like boyfriend girlfriend' anymore, but still expects me to fuck him after that. Who does that. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and he writes me on facebook the other day saying hey whats up, I'm getting that truck next week. and some other stupid shit. I just said cool, and he writes back saying wow you must fucking hate me or something. I was like I didn't delete you for no reason, you need to come get your shit and I want mine. Then he says 'Can I atleast ask what the fuck I did to make you hate me'.
I deleted him awhile back because it's too hard seeing all the notifications of him friending all these randomass girls. Let alone the fact that I would check his friends list religously. And the fact that hes online all the time now. without even saying a word to me ..he used to go months without even checking it and now its every single night. I guess its obvious to me because myspace was how we ever started talking. That was his thing back then.
Someone asked me if I just hated him because he fucked me when we werent dating. And that's not it at all. I could care less. But if we're not dating I still need to be the only girl, not one of, but the only. But the thought of him like that with another girl makes me feel like I'm gunna puke. Literally. Since we broke up, he does things he knows I love that he never used to do when we were together. He'll have me come over and then tell me he's not taking me home because his beds lonely without me. Like, he'll try to cuddle with me all night, (He hates cuddling cuz he gets too hot), He kisses on me, gives great sex and treats me like we're dating knowing the second that car door closees its over and he's free to go do it all again with anybody else. It's the perfect realtionship for him. And I went with it because he's like my drug. I keep using for the happiness it gives me in the moment, all the while knowing that everytime I do, it just makes it harder to quit in the end. A drug with a very limited supply.

I Wish

That we could be together. I really regretting ever starting that fight because now all I do is wish we were together, and he doesnt want that because he likes hanging out with his bestfriend more than dating me is what I think. You know whats strange though?=) The sex is better. Like ALOT better. Yesterday we went to the basketball court/baseball field by his house shot hoops for awhile and then went for a walk and we ended up in this old abandoned building up against the wall hardcore making out.haha I feel like I did when we first started dating and I was so excited the whole time I was getting ready just to hangout with him. But its different in a way too though..back then he brought me everywhere with him, even to hangout with his friends and do guy stuff and if they didnt want me to hangout he wouldnt hangout with them at all. Now he'll drive 20 minutes to the store to buy me cheetos, bring me home, and drive all the way back to pick up his friend from football practice instead of just swinging by there with me and going home. And everywhere we go he always says, 'so and sos gunna see us together and be like wtf'. I just wanna scream why do you care! It's sooo awkward being around his mom now! We were really good friends before we broke up and now I'm embarrased to even walk in their house when shes there.
When we first started dating, all we did was sit in the basement and watch movies. ...Well, its not an average basement...they have like movie theatre seating except there super comfy with a big screen. and the kitchen is the mainfloor above it so his mom would constantly come check on us to make sure we werent banging it out haha. Then slowly we made our way to his room at night and shed come down twice a night to tell us to get out. Then the door started gettin locked and eventually she didn't care anymore thinking we weren't doing anything. His dad knew everything though=) He was proud, he even watched us sneak back through his bedroom window from up on the deck one night after his mom made us leave and we could hear him laughing. Then his mom stopped caring and I stayed till 3 or 4 in the morning and then woke up and went home. Then after like a year of dating I just stayed the night there. ......So you tell me,
She knows we've hookedup probably way over 200 times, has even bought him condoms, talked about eachothers sex life together, well just the emabarassing stories and now she tells him we aren't aloud to fuck in her house now that were not dating.? Whattttt. Thee. Eff. She was pissed about it and he was like 'I'm 18 years old, I can do whatever the fuck I want and it's none of your business. You should be trying to get me to only have sex with her, because if I'm not fuckin her, I'm gunna just be fucking a bunch of other girls that you don't like and you actually like her so why do you care?' I don't get it either. So if we walked around telling people we were dating she would be ok with it?
His dads funny though. Yesterday David told him he was going to hangout with me and his dad was like 'Why just to fuck her?' and David was like 'No I actually wanna hangout with her.' hahah I can't immagine my dad ever saying that.=)

A Real Reason.

The last few nights I've gone out with my friend Cord to get my mind off things. We've been friends for a long time and used to hangout all the time before I dated david. So of course, everybody is asking me what happened with the breakup. All of his friends, some that knew us, some that didn't. And honestly, if there was reason, a real reason, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. If he had cheated, or was an asshole or just something to give me hope that this is right. I feel like us still being in love but not being together is waisting time. He's called a couple times. I was in the shower once, the other I wasn't home. He wrote me on facebook, 

'hey you little shit
will you at least talk to me a little bit kinda miss ya bro'

I didn't reply. .....I know. I don't understand it either. I'm in love with him and want him back, but I guess I feel like its all or nothing and if I don't talk or see him, he'll want me back.