I Wish

That we could be together. I really regretting ever starting that fight because now all I do is wish we were together, and he doesnt want that because he likes hanging out with his bestfriend more than dating me is what I think. You know whats strange though?=) The sex is better. Like ALOT better. Yesterday we went to the basketball court/baseball field by his house shot hoops for awhile and then went for a walk and we ended up in this old abandoned building up against the wall hardcore making out.haha I feel like I did when we first started dating and I was so excited the whole time I was getting ready just to hangout with him. But its different in a way too though..back then he brought me everywhere with him, even to hangout with his friends and do guy stuff and if they didnt want me to hangout he wouldnt hangout with them at all. Now he'll drive 20 minutes to the store to buy me cheetos, bring me home, and drive all the way back to pick up his friend from football practice instead of just swinging by there with me and going home. And everywhere we go he always says, 'so and sos gunna see us together and be like wtf'. I just wanna scream why do you care! It's sooo awkward being around his mom now! We were really good friends before we broke up and now I'm embarrased to even walk in their house when shes there.
When we first started dating, all we did was sit in the basement and watch movies. ...Well, its not an average basement...they have like movie theatre seating except there super comfy with a big screen. and the kitchen is the mainfloor above it so his mom would constantly come check on us to make sure we werent banging it out haha. Then slowly we made our way to his room at night and shed come down twice a night to tell us to get out. Then the door started gettin locked and eventually she didn't care anymore thinking we weren't doing anything. His dad knew everything though=) He was proud, he even watched us sneak back through his bedroom window from up on the deck one night after his mom made us leave and we could hear him laughing. Then his mom stopped caring and I stayed till 3 or 4 in the morning and then woke up and went home. Then after like a year of dating I just stayed the night there. ......So you tell me,
She knows we've hookedup probably way over 200 times, has even bought him condoms, talked about eachothers sex life together, well just the emabarassing stories and now she tells him we aren't aloud to fuck in her house now that were not dating.? Whattttt. Thee. Eff. She was pissed about it and he was like 'I'm 18 years old, I can do whatever the fuck I want and it's none of your business. You should be trying to get me to only have sex with her, because if I'm not fuckin her, I'm gunna just be fucking a bunch of other girls that you don't like and you actually like her so why do you care?' I don't get it either. So if we walked around telling people we were dating she would be ok with it?
His dads funny though. Yesterday David told him he was going to hangout with me and his dad was like 'Why just to fuck her?' and David was like 'No I actually wanna hangout with her.' hahah I can't immagine my dad ever saying that.=)

A Real Reason.

The last few nights I've gone out with my friend Cord to get my mind off things. We've been friends for a long time and used to hangout all the time before I dated david. So of course, everybody is asking me what happened with the breakup. All of his friends, some that knew us, some that didn't. And honestly, if there was reason, a real reason, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. If he had cheated, or was an asshole or just something to give me hope that this is right. I feel like us still being in love but not being together is waisting time. He's called a couple times. I was in the shower once, the other I wasn't home. He wrote me on facebook, 

'hey you little shit
will you at least talk to me a little bit kinda miss ya bro'

I didn't reply. .....I know. I don't understand it either. I'm in love with him and want him back, but I guess I feel like its all or nothing and if I don't talk or see him, he'll want me back.

Effin PB&J's

Who the f breaks up, cries..ALOT, packs their shit, cries, falls asleep, wakes up to make a pb&J/Ramen noodles, goes back to bed.......WITH the person they JUST BROKE UP WITH, bangs them the next morning, stays the entire next day..even when the other leaves and you're alone at their house? Chaa, I know.

So I guess were just bad 'breaker-uppers.' He acts like were still dating. He kisses me all day. Still calls me babe and expects me to sleep over all the time.

Fact 1: I haven't cried this much in a long, longggg time.

Fact 2: I kinda regret ever saying anything.

Fact 3: I lied to a waitress today about being with him.

Fact 4: Ok, On the last comment, I was holding a picture of him and his bull elk he just killed with a bow, she saw and exclaimed "OHH MYY! WHO IS THAT?" ......in front of my entire family. What else to say?

Fact 5: He made me a pb&j when I woke up this morning. He had it waiting for me and as I peaked the top of the stairs he's holding that stupid little pb&j on plate with both hands, 'I made this for you.' I got a 'thanks' out before I effin lost it and busted up crying...in the middle of the kitchen.

WE BROKE UP.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. But knowing what the right thing is and believing in it is is the hard part. 

Yesterday was like any ordinary day. He picked me up, went back to his house. His dad needed him to come down to his rock query to get his uncle sam to bring a jack up to his core drilling site to change the water truck tire. David made a mini pizza in the microwave, I cut up an apple. He drove the whole way in that old truck with his knees, eating pizza, as I sat beside him in his eating my apple. 

It seems like every time I have ever felt the need to breakup in my mind, he always goes and does something so sweet and I can't do it. In my last post,  I make him sound like a total jackass, but he really is one of the sweetest guys in the entire world with a huge heart and believe me, I know I don't deserve him. So ...through my tears, here it goes.

 I was sitting in a recliner chair, him squatting down in front of me. I'm in one of my so frequent bitch moods. He begs me, 'please don't be cranky babe.' Then asks whats wrong. I said I was tired of being us, being the way we are. Always fighting, always mad, always being bored. He told me it would get better and I said, 'But it doesn't. It never does.' and eventually he dropped the bomb. 'Do you wanna just break up?' I, being the dumbass that I am, said, 'I don't know.' He says, 'Well I think maybe we should. Maybe it'll be better. Just so you know, I really did try to make you happy and treat you good, I really did.' Thats when I lost it and started crying. He gave me the biggest hug begging me not to cry. Then he started crying and said it was harder to actually do than to talk to about. I got up and went downstairs to his room to pack all my things. He sat on his bed, just watched me. I stood there at his closet, crying, asking him to grab something off the top shelf and as he handed it to me, he lost it too.

That night I crawled into bed with him, memorizing the feel of that big bed, those soft sheets against my skin, the sound of his family, my family, upstairs. The sounds of the life I've known for the last year, 7 months and 11 days, moving forward without me.. Thats how long it took for me to fuck up what was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

A clean break is the only way I think I'll ever beable to get over him. And he wants to continue being close, to hangout all the time, to be friends with benefits. He told me the only way he could ever hate me is if I ditch him and quit being friends...so what do you ya know? I still haven't left his house yet so its sad but doesn't feel real yet cuz he still loves n kisses on me all day. He tells me it'll all be okay, that I'll fall in love with somebody else and be just fine. But I don't want to. He was always the one I wanted to come home from work, walk through that front door all dirty, kiss me hello and pick up our baby girl n spin her around. And now it feels like that dream was just ripped away from me.

This morning I woke up crying, cried through the whole 'love makin session', took showers, ate, went downstairs back to bed and laid there talking about all the fun times we shared. Truly heartbreaking.

Anyways, I spent most of the day crying. He went hunting for awhile with one of his friends. His dad went up to feed the animals, his mom, brother, sisters and bajillion other kids went to the movies. And I'm sitting alone in his house ...listening to sad songs, writing a blog about the end of our year n a half relationship.  A little dramatic right?