I'll never forget being stopped at that intersection going to taco bell. The hole in my chest forming as his words ripped through me. 'I love you, I just don't like you anymore.' And having to sit with him pretending to be happy and hold myself together for the next 12 hours. I hate him so much I can't even put it to words. It's like every promise and every I love you for the last year and a half has been a complete lie and I was the stupidass gullible 17 yearold girl who fell for the one boy she didnt even worry about breaking her heart. I never even thought of it in the beginning because he was like the kid whos dreams of dating 'the hottest girl in school' had come true. It was nothing more than lust and I knew in my mind that he wouldn't give that up. The feeling of being in control for once. And here I am almost 2 years later, 2 months after we broke up, fighting tears every single day. Telling him I hate him because I can't stand the idea of his ego knowing how much damage he really did. Weighing 15 pounds under my normal, but still underweight body. Trying to eat more because I hate looking like this, but not having the drive to eat or do anything at all because every single thing reminds me of him. It's like he contaminated every single part of my life. Sleeping was my escape, I'd sleep for 14 hours straight but I can't even do that anymore because he's in my fucking dreams. In my dreams fucking other girls, while I sit around trying to be his friend finding the skanky underwear she left behind. It's like gods never gunna let me live this one down and he gets off soo easy. so, so easy. He doesn't hurt at all, out fucking other girls and daddy buying him a new sweetass truck of his dreams. A truck III found and picked out. His dad's price limit was $4000, this truck was $13000 and 2 whole states away and he got it anyways. Was I really that horrible of a girlfriend that he doesn't suffer at all. We fought forever on whether or not to be friends. And as soon as I gave in and started to believe it could work, he tells me he's had tons of hot girls trying to fuck him and he hasn't yet, and that he bets I can't say the same.... and that he doesn't like me 'like boyfriend girlfriend' anymore, but still expects me to fuck him after that. Who does that. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and he writes me on facebook the other day saying hey whats up, I'm getting that truck next week. and some other stupid shit. I just said cool, and he writes back saying wow you must fucking hate me or something. I was like I didn't delete you for no reason, you need to come get your shit and I want mine. Then he says 'Can I atleast ask what the fuck I did to make you hate me'.
I deleted him awhile back because it's too hard seeing all the notifications of him friending all these randomass girls. Let alone the fact that I would check his friends list religously. And the fact that hes online all the time now. without even saying a word to me ..he used to go months without even checking it and now its every single night. I guess its obvious to me because myspace was how we ever started talking. That was his thing back then.
Someone asked me if I just hated him because he fucked me when we werent dating. And that's not it at all. I could care less. But if we're not dating I still need to be the only girl, not one of, but the only. But the thought of him like that with another girl makes me feel like I'm gunna puke. Literally. Since we broke up, he does things he knows I love that he never used to do when we were together. He'll have me come over and then tell me he's not taking me home because his beds lonely without me. Like, he'll try to cuddle with me all night, (He hates cuddling cuz he gets too hot), He kisses on me, gives great sex and treats me like we're dating knowing the second that car door closees its over and he's free to go do it all again with anybody else. It's the perfect realtionship for him. And I went with it because he's like my drug. I keep using for the happiness it gives me in the moment, all the while knowing that everytime I do, it just makes it harder to quit in the end. A drug with a very limited supply.
